I’ve been sitting here staring at an empty text box trying to think of a way to describe what this blog is about, what I am about. I’ve even gone and read through the about pages of other blogs that I follow for inspiration. The point of this blog is for me to be unfiltered, to not censor or conform my thoughts or feelings. This is difficult. Even now I find myself trying to box in and restrict what I want to say. I’m vacillating between ideal expression of self and fear of exactly that.
I have spent most of my life keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. If family, teachers, friends, and coaches wanted to see a smiling, 24/7 happy kid, that’s exactly what I gave them. I adjusted my expressions to reflect what everyone else wanted, not what I wanted or felt. This lifetime of essentially smothering myself and being an externally different person from my inner-self has left a sense of disconnect. I no longer know how to express what I am feeling – at least not in blatant, direct, clear ways. The problem isn’t that I don’t feel anything or that my feelings are muted, rather it as though all my channels for emotional expression have been dammed. A friend of mine likes to call this emotional constipation. I call it drowning.
This blog is intended to be my safe haven, my place of anonymity (even if that idea is true only in my head). This is me trying desperately to be honest in a wider capacity that extends somewhat beyond myself.
Oh, and my friends call me Bean. 
You can find me on Twitter as beansai
Check out my (primarily) literature based blog Lit Bit
