These days, not only am I itching for a writing community, but also for a photog community. You know what? I don’t even need a community, a buddy would suit me fine – probably even better. Large social gatherings give me major anxiety. I’ve been following a lot of blogs and twitterings about photography, which has been making me really want to progress in my photo taking skills. I’ve enjoyed photography since I was a kid, and have been slowly increasing my DSLR skills since I got my Pentax K20D in the fall of 2008. I love it, but at times I’m lacking subject matter – I don’t have any friends or family that will let me take their photos for practice, and I haven’t quite gotten over that self-conscious awkwardness I feel when just out and about taking photos. Though I didn’t seem to have this problem as much in London, but the sheer scale of London and population helped to mentally insulate me in a bubble of anonymity.

So here I am, back on old hunting grounds, which makes me feel rather regressive. When I took photos of my coworker/friend’s daughter all of that shyness fell away, because I had a task to focus on. With nothing specific to work towards, I tend to lock myself down with self-consciousness. Which brings me on to my next bit.

I’m going to make some New Year resolutions. This is a practice I generally abhor. I think it too often sets people up for failure, ultimately making them feel shittier about themselves. Especially when people do the whole weight loss resolutions. Some of my (unrefined) goals: be healthier – my goal is to eat better and exercise more. I’m not going to think about weight and size. That isn’t my main concern. Health is. I’m already planning on getting a year gym membership just after the new year. Read/write more poetry. I’ve been rather unproductive in this the past year or so. I’m thinking (but not settled on) a goal of reading one poem a day, and then a few months into that, writing at least a poem a day on top of reading one.

We’ll see how this goes. It might come to nothing with my general aversion to resolutions. But what to do as far as a supportive community goes, I’m just not sure. I’ve tried reaching out to a poet friend in town, but never heard back. Not sure where to go from there. In the meantime I need to start working on getting more poems published and researching topics for a PhD. So many To-Dos!

     She insists that she is too stupid to learn this complicated technology. I argued against this. I was adamant that learning something like this phone was more a matter of want rather than mental capacity. She continues to insist she is too dumb. I stand by my theory, that learning is more a matter of opening your mind and having a desire to learn.

     I’m not saying it’s easy by any means, and that there are not different levels of ability, but I firmly believe that learning and intelligence comes down primarily to desire and effort. If you close off your mind, allow yourself to feel nothing but frustration and never push through that, then yes, you’ll be stuck at the beginning for a very long time. I tried to encourage my mom to let go of her frustration and open her mind to learning. We’ll see whether she sticks with this phone or re-activates her old flip phone.

     Hah! Right, one more night, that’s all. /Sigh. So I get down to Phoenix on Saturday after work (which I was able to leave early from), and got to my parents house, and refrained from immediately jumping on my iPhone package and starting that sucker up. I said hello to my dad, then asked about my mom. Originally she was gonna be done at work about the time I got down there, but due to a sick co-worker, she ended up working from open to close. On top of that, her old flip phone had stopped working, because my brother had turned on her new 8gb iPhone 4. So I did a quick setup of her phone and then turned to mine. I never got beyond the activation screen, because my phone was trying to activate to my mom’s phone number. ARGH! The phone told me to take it to a Verizon retail store. Okay, whatever. We had planned to go to the VzW store the next day anyway, so I would deal with yet another day’s delay. We got my mom her phone and I just tried not to think about my phone for the rest of the night, though I was undeniably cranky.

     The next day rolls around and my dad and I went to the VzW store to fix my issue and family plan us all. Well, we got none of that done. After waiting our turn, then explaining what was happening, the VzW dude basically said he couldn’t do anything, go to/call Apple. Right. So we went to the nearest Apple store (which was luckily much closer than it used to be a few years ago), where they were completely SWAMPED! Apple Store on a launch weekend is horrendous! But we plowed our way through and managed to talk to an Apple employee, explained, and he then referred us to the VzW rep in store. Nice. The Rep was awesome. He spent probably a an hour or more on the phone with VzW tech support. Most of it actually spent on hold. He even had to run out to his car at one point and grab another battery for his Android phone.

     What we found out was that the new line and number I had tried to add to my mom’s account somehow got stuck in a pending status, and wasn’t going to be ready for activation un til NOVEMBER 2!!!! I was just thinking, “FUCK NO!” By this point I figured I’d been patient enough. The Rep told us to go ahead and leave while he tried to get things sorted, and he would call me on my mom’s phone when he had some more information. But there was a good chance in all this that I wouldn’t get my phone activated for a few days. My dad and I decided to walk around the mall, just in case the Rep called back quickly. In about 15-20 minutes he called back. He said he cancelled the stuck line, and all I would have to do is go back to the Apple Store and ask them to set up a new line with the device I had. Okey dokey, right?

     Wrong. I get to the Apple Store and go find an Apple employee. I explain what happened, what the Rep did, and what I needed. He said they couldn’t. I got frustrated and called the Rep again. He told me to talk to another Apple dude. I found that dude, he sent me to another dude, that other dude said they couldn’t fix the issue, go to VzW. At this point I’m so pissed that I’m basically storming out of Apple in as much of a fit as I can ever manage. Probably seeing I was pissed, the guy the Rep told me to talk to stopped me by the door. I explained, yet again, what was going on with my phone. This guy that had talked to the rep says, oh yeah, they can’t fix it, and he literally walks me over to a VzW kiosk just outside the Apple Store.

     So we explain again to another VzW employee what is going on and what I needed. He was a bit confused, but willing to take it on. Apple dude skidaddled back to Apple. A few minutes later the Rep walks by and asks what we’re doing at VzW. He says Apple are idiots for not activating a new number for me, because they basically took a hit on the cost of my phone since I paid the new activation price (not the full retail value) for the phone, but they won’t get any of that money back from VzW for the two years contract, because that line was cancelled by the Rep. So Apple is out some moola on account of my account. Eventually the kiosk VzW guy was able to get my phone activated, and he got the commission on the activation.

     At least I have my phone. It was a bit stressful and frustrating to get it activated, but now it’s working fine and I have my very own number, not my mom’s. My mom is adjusting pretty well to her first smart phone, and my dad is enjoying his new 16gb iPhone 4. We’re a family of iPhoners now, excepting my brother. I’m glad to have a reliable phone again, and one that runs sooooo fucking smooth! I’m totally loving it. The 8mp camera is awesome, so is the 1080p video, the retina display is just freakin dreamy on the eyes. LOVE LOVE LOVE it! Totally recommend. Oh, and Siri is cool too.

     I’m very excited about this publishing prospect. It feels like a mix of an earned, yet not earned publication. I mean, I did graduate with Distinction, but, at the same time, it seems all I really had to do was make sure to get a few poems to the publisher on time. But, at the end of the day, I’m quite giddy at the thought of my work being in legitimate print! I’m so buying a few copies! Haha! I think as a reward for myself I am just going to have to purchase an iPhone 4s! That’s right! Now, before you think I’m going all fangirl for Apple and think that they can do no wrong, I think they’re stupid for not calling it the iPhone5, for not dropping the 16gb and going to 32/64 priced at 199/299. (This latter opinion of their stupidity may be primarily because I really wanted a 32gb iPhone, but can only afford the 16gb.) Even my parents are going to get iPhones, but they are going to settle for the iPhone 4, which I think is fair. I’m definitely the tech junkie of the family. I think even my co-workers are going to get them, despite my bit of bitching about features that I wanted not being there, and features I don’t particularly deem necessary being in the forefront.

     One feature I was really looking forward to was the fact that it would be a global phone. From what I understood of the live-blogging I followed, the devices were supposedly CDMA & GSM – this is not so, which I found out after some more research. And of course I can’t afford an unlocked phone (which would only be compatible with AT&T), plus I was hoping to family plan with my parents on Verizon in order to save money. So that means any hope of using the phone globally (like, in case I go back to the UK for my Ph.D.) is squashed. My co-worker tried to talk me into some positivity, but I wasn’t having any of it. This means I will have to replace my phone far sooner than planned, and last time this all did not go over well. And typically I can’t afford to replace my fucking expensive ass smart phone every year or two. But, despite all this, I am still gonna get one! And I will fucking enjoy it while I can!

     we’re supposed to get snow up here this weekend. I’m thrilled at the thought! Mmmm snow, winter, the cold! That means sweatshirts, beanies, scarves, gloves, and, especially, big warm fuzzy blankets wrapped around me while curled up on the couch with a big steaming cup of coffee! Mmmmmm! I’m gonna be pulling out my crochet hooks and knitting needles out pretty soon here! I’m hoping we get a really awesome winter. I’m sure in the middle of winter I will be taking this comment back, lol!

     On a more long term thought, I am seriously considering returning to the UK for my Ph.D., and possibly going to the same school. Of course this absolutely depends on whether or not the poet Jo Shapcott is still there and taking on new Ph.D. candidates. Otherwise I might find a school based in London. The more and more I think about it, the more I want this. I loved it over there. I liked the people, the climate, the vegetation, the food (not of british origin, lol!), the internationality of London, the appreciation of the arts: literature, fine arts, theater, music! London has convinced me that I need to be located at least within commuting distance of a big city. Never would have thought of myself as much of a city dweller, in fact, skyscrapers tend to make me dizzy and promote the feeling of claustrophobia in me, but amazingly enough, London didn’t have that effect on me. One of the most appealing things to me though – living somewhere that I don’t know people. I like the anonymity. The clean slate. The possibility of reinvention. Even with the people that I do know in London, this is still appealing to me. I do realize that I am quite possibly romanticizing my time in the UK, but I really do think it is somewhere that I could settle. And yes, when I think of going there for my Ph.D. I think of staying there once I’m done as well.

     I have been reading everything from young adult fiction, literary fiction, to ludicrous pop fiction that I’m not quite sure I will ever admit to having actually read. I’ve read so much I honestly don’t think I could tell you everything my eyes have passed over. Mostly, when I read this obsessively, it is a way of compensating for my lack of creative productivity. So while I’ve been completely poetically constipated – not that I’ve taken anything for it – I have been burying my brain in such books as The Hunger Games trilogy, Little Bee, The Help, Never Let Me Go, and on and on and on. It has been wonderful and vicariously-live-through inducing. Mmmmm. Yes, because the monotony of work, home, work, home, work, home must be broken up and evaded somehow.

     I also read one book after another because it seems the older I get the harder time I have dealing with things ending. In order to avoid the heaviness that seems to settle on me at the end of any book (whether it be a happy or sad ending), I dive straight into another story, another life. Part of me says I should be really digging into these books, pulling them apart with my unnaturally sharpened literary teeth, but I can’t quite bring myself to that. Instead I consume words like food, enjoying them in the moment, and digesting them without any serious thought given to how my mind processes them and why. I wonder if this would even qualify me as a sort of foodie equivalent of bookwormery? Perhaps I don’t care enough about my writer status. Though I will tell you, it annoys the hell out of me when I tell people that I’ve been studying literature and creative writing and they ask, Oh, so you want to be a writer? I already am douchebag. But my mental sensor kicks in before I could actually speak such a response. Instead I usually just say, Yup! Topic for next post: Bean needs to grow a spine!

     For the moment though I am enjoying a little extra income by buying Gears of War 3 and Scrivener for my MacBook, but my writing in general has been at an all time low of production. Luckily my old group of poets from my MA are starting workshops back up and I plan on participating via email. This is somewhat of a challenge for me. Not having people in person to hold me accountable for their feedback and turning in my own work means I am more likely to slack and balk. BUT I plan to try my utmost.

     On a different note, I love Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations. His irreverence cracks me up, though I think honestly, he has a bit of a romantic streak in him – underneath it all. I’ve been watching from the start of the show’s seasons and enjoying the look at culture and food. Mmmm foooood! I’ve been trying to find some good food up here in Flag, and have managed with the help of my friends Skunkie and PolyVector when they visited for a week and a half. We found some good greek food, thai food, indian food, and some AWESOME neapolitan style pizza! Hoping to go back to all of these places again! I really really want to try some good sushi, but somehow i’m afraid to brave sushi this far from the coast. I think a trip to Japan is in order for good and proper sushi.

       - Deer Dance from the collection Rounding the Human Corners

P.S. – Yes, I have some weird liking for deer poems. I haven’t a clue why.